Quaker Selfies with "Finding God in the Verbs"

"So good, I wish I'd written it myself"
--  D. Elton Trueblood

George Fox

Richard M. Nixon

Rufus Jones

"He's my second favorite Quaker author"
-- Jessamyn West

"It's poetic" -- John Greenleaf Whittier

Lucretia Mott

Join the "Quaker Book Circle" by getting your own copy -- just click here.  

President Herbert Hoover
trying to stimulate the economy

Folks Who Care: A West Newton Friends Meeting Video

Peace & Quiet: Quaker Video

Lost Quaker Journals: #9 -- John Greenleaf Whittier

From the archives of the Association of Bad Friends. All rights reserved.

WALT WHITMAN, on a summer's day,

Lolled ‘round the meadows sweet with hay.

Singing, of himself in his merry glee

Whilst worthy men crafted poetry.

Leaves of grass shall soon turn brown,

While other poetry still resounds,

'Tis songs sung of heroic human quest

Not some nameless longing filling WW's breast.

From whence do his strange thoughts bubble up?

Perhaps too much soma in his small cup?

He speaks of the grass and flowers and trees,

But never leaves his dingy cities

And low of cattle, and song of birds,

Are sounds his ears have rarely heard

Alas for poetry that’s a bunch of fudge,

I’d rather be a rich repiner than such a drudge!

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,

The saddest are these: "Whitman wrote again!"

Ah, well! for real poets some sweet hope lies

That his work be greeted by a printer’s denies;

And, in the here and now, angels may

Keep his “poems” from the light of day!

I hope, if I ever have some institution named after me, that nobody finds this journal of my really heartfelt poetry. Alas, that would be sad.

-- JGW, Ninth-month 19, 1860

Lost Quaker Journals: #8 -- Walt Whitman

From the archives of the Association of Bad Friends. All rights reserved.

Ninth-month 19, 1860 --

I CELEBRATE myself, and sing myself,
not Vermonters,
And rejoice that I do not write,
Rhyming poems like JGW -- Moll Pitcher, Barbara Fritchie, Maud Muller, bah...
The saddest words of tongue or pen are not "It might of been" but are
"It not ought to have been" but Whittier penned it anyway.

I loafe and invite my poems,
I lean and loafe and brew my soma, but not for some churchly-hymn.

My poems, every poem of my poems, form'd from this soil, this air,
Not some rhyming dictionary or nights spent playing Scrabble,

Creeds and rules of poetry I hold in abeyance,
Retiring back a while sufficed at what they are, but should be quickly forgotten,
I freeform my lines, no slave to format, I permit myself to speak at every hazard,
Poetry without royalty check (unlike that other Quakerly poet), filled with original energy and my own self!

-Walt Whitman,

Stay for Pay: Church/Meeting Growth -- The Bad Friends Way

As many Friends, good and Bad, know, I (Brent Bill) have thinking about ways to revitalize Quaker life (not the magazine!) in the 21st century. Thus I've offered my "Modest Proposal" series (visit it here or download a pdf of it here).

But, of course, those writings are very deep and thoughtful and practical. Not much fun, I guess. Association of Bad Friends co-clerk Jacob Stone and I (with help from our Bad spouses) have come up with some other ideas in the past -- such as the inclusion of the Quaker Whoopee Cushion as a way to enliven Meeting and perhaps attract a more fun-loving bunch of Seekers.

Whilst those earlier ideas were great, the newest one from the Research and Development Sub-committee of the Advancement and Outreach Committee of the International Association of Bad Friends for Meeting Expansion and World Domination (Corporate motto: "We see a great people to be snookered") is simply stupendous.

We call it "Stay for Pay."

Simply put, Quaker meetings will begin paying people to attend Meeting for Worship.

Brilliant, isn't it?

Instead of taking an offering during or after worship, local meetings will pass out cash to attendees. Below is the proposed payment schedule:

Action	Payment
Attend Meeting for Worship (entire service)	$10
Give good vocal ministry (5-7 on clerks’ scale)	$5
Give great vocal ministry (8-10 on clerks’ scale)	$7.50
Give outstanding vocal ministry (leaving people crying, laughing, ready to march on DC, etc – without mentioning anything about God or Jesus or John Woolman)* *unprogrammed meetings only	$10
Give outstanding vocal ministry (leaving people crying, laughing, ready to go door to door on evangelization campaign, etc – without mentioning anything about how God or Jesus is your best Friend and made you rich)* *programmed meetings only	$10

Vocal ministry (other than the outstanding category, which has obvious criteria) would be rated Olympic style, with three or four clerks holding up signs with their scores for the message.

It's a win/win situation. Meetinghouses will be packed and a family of four will walk away with enough money to go do something enjoyable on Firstday afternoon! Who could ask for more?

And the best part -- it's not going to cost any money! That's right. Every Friends meeting seems to be sitting on some stash of endowment cash that they can't spend. Here's an opportunity to put the proceeds that have been piling up for the past one hundred years in the Phoebe Ann Mosley Memorial Straight Shooters and Outreach to Indigent Orphans of the Spanish American War Fund to work. The legal team of Stone, Bill, Stone, Stone, Stone M O'Gwynn will be glad to help with the details of modifying the conditions of the endowment.

For more information on this amazing program and how your meeting can franchise this opportunity for its use, contact us at 1-666-BAD-QUAK.

-- Brent

The Quaker Whoopee Cushion

New from Bill Stone Enterprises! It's the "Old Quaker Whoopee Cushion," the fun product made with Friends in mind. Slip an "Old Quaker Whoopee Cushion" under the bench pad at Meeting and watch the Friends quake. When a weighty Friend plops his backside down, out comes the sound of silence. Imagine the look on the gathered Meeting's faces!!

The "Old Quaker Whoopee Cushion" is perfect for unprogrammed and programmed Friends alike. It's one size fits all shape works on benches, pews, pulpit furniture, choir chairs, and more.

It comes in grey or gray.

And it's only $19.95 plus postage and handling.

BUT WAIT. Order in the next 20 minutes and we'll throw in another "Old Quaker Whoopee Cushion" at no extra cost. AND THAT'S NOT ALL! The first twenty callers will receive a copy of "Walk Cheerfully: The George Fox Jokebook."

Just call 1-666-QUAKER. Operators are standing by.

Lost Quaker Journals: #6 -- Hannah Whitall Smith

From the archives of the Association of Bad Friends. All rights reserved.

May 27, 1875 I do not care what the title my publisher put on my new book says, sometimes the Christian life is just not that happy. And that's no secret. Especially when some Christians send me letters telling me what I got wrong. "Dear Mrs. Smith -- I read the heresy you published. You will burn in Hell for all eternity for what you wrote. Please turn from your vile ways. In Christian Love, Miss Prudence Pureblood." "In Christian Love", indeed. Well, let me tell you. Miss Pureblood can take her Christian Love and stick it[editor's note: the rest of this sentence is illegible]. -- Journal of Hannah Whitall Smith


Hannah Whitall Smith’s book The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life, first published in 1875, is still in print and is an extremely popular book among Evangelical and conservative Christians. Less popular is her spiritual autobiography, The Unselfishness of God And How I Discovered It. Published in 1903, it has three chapters which explain how she became a Christian universalist. She was also the mother-in-law of Betrand Russell.

Lost Quaker Journals: #5 -- Charles Elmer Hires

From the archives of the Association of Bad Friends. all rights reserved.

April 1, 1876

This new temperance movement is driving me wacky. Women armed with hatchets chopping up saloons. It's just unseemly. It's enough to drive a Quaker to drink. What I wouldn't give for a pint of stout right now. Still, there has got to be some way to make some money on it. That Canadian fellow McLaughlin may be on to something with his "Ginger Ale." What could I come up with? .... Hmmm, how about "Sassafras Ale?" No. I've got it. "Root Beer!" We can have our beer and our temperance, too! -- Journal of Charles E. Hires.


Hysterical Historical note: Modern bottled root beer was developed by Quaker pharmacist Charles Elmer Hires. In 1876 he was selling 25 cent packets of powder which could make five gallons of root beer. In the 1880s he developed a syrup of the concoction for use in soda fountains. That soon followed by kegs of root beer and modern bottling.

Despite it being a non-alcoholic drink, the temperance ladies (primarily) were not amused by it's name. Hire's one-upped them by marketing his root beer as "The Temperance Drink."

I could find no word on what the current stance of the Women's Christian Temperance Union is towards Hire's "Greatest Health-Giving Beverage in the World."

Lost Quaker Journals: #4 -- Daisy Douglass Barr

From the archives of the Association of Bad Friends. all rights reserved.

March 10, 1923

What to wear to church tomorrow? Ha! I wish there was a choice. But it’s always black or gray. Especially when you are the pastor. I’d look so much better in… um… white! That’s it. I’m going to start dressing in all white. Maybe even a white head-covering. That would give plain clothes a whole new look. White is right! -- Diary of Daisy Douglass Barr

Hysterical historical note – Barr was pastor at Friends churches in New Castle and Muncie, Indiana. Famous as a preacher in the early 20th century, she was infamous for being Imperial Empress of the Indiana Women's Ku Klux Klan at about the same time.

Further note: The photo is not of Barr, but rather one of her compatriots from the Indiana Klan dressed in Imperial Empress garb.

Lost Quaker Journals: #3 -- John Dillinger

From the archives of the Association of Bad Friends. all rights reserved.

July 22, 1934

Guess I’ll go catch a picture show tonight. I had this nagging feeling all morning that I should go back to Quaker Meeting. It’s a little embarrassing to think about after having been kicked out of Friends’ Sunday School in Mooresville, Indiana. So I went out across Chicago to try and find one. It was impossible! No signs anywhere to help identify what’s a Meetinghouse and what’s not. And not even a Yellow Pages ad. I’ll tell ya, a bank is easier to find on a Sunday than a Quaker church is. I did see a woman in red hanging ‘round the Biograph Theater. Maybe she’s one of those fast Friends I’ve heard of and can direct me to the nearest Meeting. – The Diary of John Dillinger

Lost Quaker Journals: #2 -- George Fox

From the archives of the Association of Bad Friends. all rights reserved.

CHAPTER I. Boyhood -- A Seeker: 1624-1648

When I came towards nineteen years of age, being upon business at a fair, one of my cousins, whose name was Bradford, having another professor with him, came and asked me to drink part of a jug of beer with them. I, being thirsty, went in with them, for I loved any who had a sense of good, or that sought after the Lord.

When we had drunk a glass apiece, they began to drink healths, and called for more drink, agreeing together that he that would not drink should pay all. I was grieved that any who made profession of religion should offer to do so. They grieved me very much, having never had such a thing put to me before by any sort of people.

Wherefore I rose up, and, putting my hand in my pocket, took out a groat, and laid it upon the table before them, saying, "If it be so, I will leave you."

Looking upon the Society of Friends now as I write these words, I wonder if I shouldst not have stayed with Bradford and hadst a few more beers. Barkeep, another round… -- George Fox: An Unauthorized Autobiography

Lost Quaker Journals: #1 -- Annie Oakley

From the archive of the Association of Bad Friends. All Rights Reserved.


Fourth month 4, 1875 – Another dry Meeting for Worship. Sometimes I feel that I would just as soon shoot myself before sitting through another such. Friend Methuselah Mills stood and spoke during Meeting – again. Why must he speak every Firstday??? And toss that infernal coin up in the air over and over whilst speaking? If I had my .22 I’d shoot that thing right out of the air. Hmmm, that gives me an idea… -- Journal of Annie Oakley

RsOFL -- Religious Society of Friends and Texting

I admit to geezerhood. So much so that when I first started getting texts on my phone that I often couldn't figure them out. Or figure them out wrong. Like, why were so many of my women friends telling me that they loved me a lot? LOL. Lot's o' Love, right?

I'm not very bright, I know. But now, OMG, BM&Y, I can MYOB and text you about ur's ASAP.

Now, thanks to the crack international research team at the Association of Bad Friends (headed by Helen Gibbs of Cambridge, England and Chuck Fager of Fayetteville, NC), there's a whole new bunch of Quaker txtng stuff I have to learn.

Here's the list that Gibbs and Fager, with help from others on their research team, have come up with so far.

CQUMB -"Chuckling Quietly Under My Breath"?
PFMWHAMS "Please, Friends, May We Have A Moment of Silence?"
CTCTF "Could Thee Clarify That, Friend?"
ITGTHOOH! "I'm Trying To Get The H*** Out Of Here!"
SER "Surreptitious Eye Roll"
TIANTWNHOTM "That Is A Name Which Would NOt Have Occurred To Me"
LYLS "Let your life speak"
ITCR "Is the clock right?"
YKSPTSTAW "You know she planned to say this all week." (Referring to people who take the silence as a moment to deliver a sermonette.)
TFSMM "That Friend speaks my mind"
MANCMTW - "Must avoid nominations committee"
IIWNQ -- "If I was not Quaker!"

AFAIK, 404, Quakes are the only denomination (religion, set, cult, whatever) to come up with their own txtng lingo. For once we're ahead in the game.

ROFLMAO, 4COL

Brent

Quakers in the News

My Google alerts (the same service that told me about the invasion of Russian Quaker hordes) recently sent me notice of these headlines, both of which I found a bit troubling.

Blue Quakers I have 2 quakers ready now and two more coming up..They are tame and loving and looking for their forever homes..They are also banded ..contact.[deleted]

Well, I have been around some Quakers lately and they I wish they had been tame and loving. Well, at least loving. I doubt that Quakers are ever tame -- is not the nature of our spiritual experience. And I wonder if they are blue because they are "banded." We Quakers don't tend to like being banded, smacks too much of credalism.

*************

male &female baby quakersI need to rehome 2 baby quakers I live in jersey and they are ileagel here and I did not know this when I got them if you are interested please contact me ...contact [delete]

It's a wonder these Quakers are not blue. Banned in New Jersey! In this day and age. Yes, we Quakers were hung in Massachusetts, but had been holding Meeting for Worship in New Jersey since the 1680s. How terrible that baby Quakers are now illegal. What brought this around? At least I have learned a new word -- "re-home." Guess it is like re-gifting, except more extreme. Well, send those little Quaker kids to Indiana. Lots of wide open space here -- and we're more tolerant (never thought I'd said that!), too! Of course, it is the Midwest so we will have to keep the male and female Quakers apart. As the rules at Quaker camp used to say -- "no dancing" and "no mixed bathing." (Like I wanted to take a bath with a girl as a kid at elementary school camp anyhow!).

-- Brent

Russian Quakers Hordes Head to US

According to Google Alerts that picked up an Associated Press report, a huge influx of Quakers from Russia are setting sail for the United States. And when I say huge, I mean HUGE -- 200,000.

This especially alarmed me because the Friends World Committee for Consultation lists only three Friends Meetings in Russia. They must have the Russian version of mega-churches over there (I'd better contact Scott Thumma of the Hartford Institute about this -- he's the expert in mega-churches). So are they mega-Meetings?

In case you think I'm making this up, here's the report, direct from the Los Angeles Herald.

NEW YORK, Jan. 11.— Two hundred thousand Russian Quakers are coming to this country to establish a permanent colony near Los Angeles, according to P. A. Beamans, who claims to have been at one time a captain in one of the regiments composing the Russian Imperial guard.

The advance guard of the so-called Russian "Quakers" recently arrived in Los Angeles and it is reported that 15,000 of the sect are preparing to follow. If they come anywhere near deserving the name which is commonly given in America to the Society of Friends they will be welcome in Southern California.

I read closer and noticed that the issue of the Herald was dated January 12, 1905. http://chroniclingamerica.loc.gov/lccn/sn85042462/1905-01-12/ed-1/seq-1.pdf

So I guess the number of Friends in the United States will not be doubling anytime soon. Which I guess is okay, since I don't speak Russian anyway.

до свидания (do svidaniya),

Brent