A Caroling We Go ... Or Maybe Not...

For all my friends who are even thinking about, or have been invited to, participate in a Holiday Program over this season, I want to remind you of the guidelines in force regarding such festivities.

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons.

Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a criminal background check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.

Persons must carry their criminal background check disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.

Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

Local #666 of the Associated Brotherhood of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, and so, to avoid job actions or reporting to the Labor Relations Board, benches, stools and orthopedic chairs must be made available.

Local #666 has also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via closed circuit television cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.

Please note, the Angel of the Lord (i.e. Management) is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB, and Glory rays. Workplace safety must be paramount.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The ASPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, Also included in these guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.

The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labeled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey.

To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three KingsWe three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions.

A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the Baby Jesus’ name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of GPS or Mapquest navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption.

Please note as per the guidelines from the ASPCA for Mr. Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.

You are advised that under the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.

Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

Your thoughtful attention to these guidelines will be greatly appreciated, mitigate the need for any subsequent legal action, and ensure that we all have a safe and happy … um… celebration of … er… something.

-- Brent

adapted and revised from an email sent to me by Molly Robertson!